All the ways I love you (Happy Father’s day Honey)

This year I didn’t have any money to buy you an expensive gift. I didn’t even have money to buy you an inexpensive gift. So I decided I would make you a homemade gift. This week I have been randomly writing things I love about you when they pop in my head, then I added them to this draft post. I know sometimes I have a hard time expressing myself and my feelings. So here is a list of so many reasons why I love you so completely. How my life would never be the same without you in it. I want to thank you for being my husband and for giving me three of the most beautiful boys I could ever imagine. This is my heaven on earth. You, and my other three boys.

Well without further ado…..

Things I love about you:

I love that you make such an effort to spend time with me. You make me feel like I’m valuable, important.

I love that you eat hot sauce on everything, even if I don’t want you to drink my sodies after you’ve been eating it.

I love how much fun we have together. Our life never has to be taken seriously if we don’t want it to. I like that we are on the same page about that.

I love that its strange for me to call you John. You will always be Honey. My cutest Honey with the widest smile.

I love that you listen to all of my complaints even when they are one sided and most of the time completely irrational.

I love what a magnificent father you are to our boys, how much time you take out of your busy life to spend with them. You are amazing.

I love how much of a good person you are. You make me strive to be better.

I love how patient you are, especially with me. I’m hot headed and moody and you always just ride out the storm.

I love your eyes. They are so soulful. Keaton has the same ones and I always think that the two of you are the same that way.

I love your smile. It was the first thing I loved about you when I met you. How it takes up your entire face and gets lopsided and lazy when you’ve had too much to drink. Gavin has that wide smile. When I see him smile I see you each and every time.

I love your dirty sense of humor and that you appreciate my dirty sense of humor. For where would we be without constant penis jokes?

I love that you love cheap boxed wine and that you drink it out of an ABC cup.

I love that even when we are disconnected for awhile, we always find our way back to each other.

I love that you eat whole boxes of triscuits and then lay on the couch hung over.

I love your honesty even though Kara is a bit afraid that you’ll be honest with her J

I love your integrity.

I love your Selflessness.

I love how hard you work to provide for our family. Don’t think for a second I take that for granted.

I love that you try so hard to break down the wall I always build up.

I love the calmness of your presence. Whenever I am sad or feel hopeless just having you near me makes everything seem okay.

I love that we have a lot of differences, but the important things we have in common.

I love that we love all the same shows.

I love our inside jokes.

I love that our family is your first priority, always.

I love when you randomly email me telling me you love me.

I love your ethics.

I love your sarcasm.

I love your intelligence.

I love your forgiveness

I love that you love me despite how screwed up I am.

I love that you are unique and you never try to fit the mold.

I love that you are a Mama’s boy.

I love that how genuine you are with your words.

I love when we hold hands and you swirl your thumb around in a circle in my palm.

I love the sounds of your laugh. I still remember Shar telling me it was one of her favorite things about you when she first met you. She said “God he has a great laugh”. I agree, you have a fantastic laugh.

I love how much fun we have together.

I love that we made three perfect little boys and that they are everything to you just like they are everything to me.

I love your scruffy face and the way it feels against mine.

You are my best friend, the one who knows all my secrets and still likes me despite how horrible some of them are.

I love how forgetful you are. It makes me feel like I have purpose. I am your memory keeper.

I wait all day to wake you up some days just because I miss you, or I have something exciting I want to say to you.

I love that you always pat the couch next to you for me to come sit close. Even if I am stubborn and don’t always give in I love that gesture more than you can imagine.

I love seeing you in things our kids do.

I love holding your hand.

I love That you’re open minded.

I love how randomly funny you can be.

I love when you sing along to songs. I still think about our trip to Vegas and you singing along to Jewel. It makes me smile.

I love that you put up with me. I know I am the biggest brat in all of Utah, if not the world.

I love that your iPod has Simon and Garfunkel as your workout tunes.

I love when you get drunk and how cute your face looks. I love the words that come out of you as you profess your drunken love for me.

I love that you’ll go shopping with me even though you hate it.

I love how much you sacrifice for me. I notice this every day honey.

I love what a good person you are.

I love our kiss. The same one we’ve had since we were dating.

I love that you let me tease you.

I love that you don’t really care for sports.

I love the way we play fight. Even though I am sure you hate it because I always end up kicking you in the balls. J

I love that you make me feel safe. Secure in a way I have never felt in my life before you.

I love that you drink tea.

I love laying in bed at night talking about nothing.

I love your teeth. They are small and perfect and go so well with your wide grin.

I love how hard you try with me. I know I’m stubborn and distant. I know I am a brick wall that is hard to break. But you never give up on me. You never have.

I love the way we make up after a fight.

I love that 95% of your life is spent in a good mood. I am always jealous of this. Teach me please?

I love how I know you’ll always be there when I need you to be.

I love that you always put me before you.

I love the way you treat me.

I love the way you inspire me to be more than I am.

I love that you like cats better than dogs.

I love your strength of character.

I love how involved you are with our children.

I love that you’re not afraid to speak your mind

I love how sexy you look in baseball caps.

I love the way we always hug each other. I don’t know if there has ever gone a day that we’ve both been home that we haven’t hugged. I love your hugs.

I love How often you tell me I’m pretty

I love how in my lowest moment, I instantly feel better when I hear your voice

I love how complete I feel when I am with you.

I love how you are my soul mate.

I love that after ten years of ups and downs we are still here. We are still in love. We beat the odds.

Sometimes I look at you as you are rough housing with our boys and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have stumbled into this life, to be with you, to have this family. I know I don’t tell you nearly enough how much I completely and utterly adore you. There are not enough words in this entire world for me to express fully the feelings of my heart.

I love our life together.

I love that we are better together.

You are my favorite person. I’m not good with feelings and I know this. But I am so happy you are my husband and my best friend. I am so glad we got stuck with each other. I’m so content in this beautiful life we share and it’s because of you. You make my life worth living. I love how I thank God everyday for bringing someone as wonderful as you into my life.

Happy Father’s day Honey!

Seven from Heaven

Dear Keaton,


This year I want to do something a little different for your birthday letter. No worries, I’ll still get around to bragging about how smart you are, how tall you’ve gotten, and how all the girls in the first grade swoon over you. But I first want to share with you a story about how important you are to me. You were born into our family and with you came so much happiness and so much light it was actually tangible Keaton. The impact you had/have on our family could move mountains.


I’m a different mom to you than I am to your brothers. There is a reason for this. It’s not that I love your brothers any less or you any more. It’s that you were born during a hard time for our family. Gavin had just been diagnosed with autism when you weren’t even a year old. Before he was even diagnosed we knew he was delayed and spent a lot of time worrying and wondering about him. The sadness of realizing that Gavin wasn’t normal was so hard on me and your Daddy. On top of Gavin’s therapies, treatments, and our depression, we still had you, this little baby to take care of. I worried that we did you a great disservice bringing you into a family that wasn’t functioning. I was so overwhelmed and ill prepared for having two kids so close in age, especially when one of them was disabled. You were so sweet Keaton and I felt so guilty all the time and worried that I wasn’t a good enough mother for either of you. My faith in god had been shaken. It was honestly the hardest time in my life.


One evening, shortly after your first birthday, you were laying on me asleep in the rocking chair, you hadn’t been feeling well. The entire day had been so difficult for me. You had thrown up and had a fever. You were clingy all day and wanted me to carry you everywhere I went. Gavin seemed lost in his own little world even more so that day and my stomach ached wondering if he’d ever be in mine. That night I was holding you and rocking you to sleep. I remember this night so clearly. I can remember so vividly how your sweaty head felt against my chest. How you were only wearing a diaper and little socks with monkeys on them. How peaceful you were. Your breathing was so even and your little cheeks were so perfectly pink. I sat there in the dark with you laying there on me.


Out of nowhere I just felt so compelled to pray Keaton. This was odd because I had been so mad at God for so long, but in that moment I felt hopeless and I just needed guidance. So I did. I prayed long and hard until hot tears ran down my face and fell onto your soft blond head. I asked God to just send me a sign that Gavin would be okay, to send me a sign that I would survive this, that our family would. I was too weighed down by all that life had thrown at me to be the kind of mother you needed, that Gavin needed. I needed a sign that I could do this. I needed hope. I needed strength. I needed something, anything.


In that moment I looked down at you and it’s as if God whispered in my ear “Here he is. Here is your sign. Here is your strength.” It took me a few years to understand this Keaton, to understand that you were the answer to my prayer. The depth of what that means to me you will never fully grasp. You were the miracle all along. You brought life into Gavin. You were his voice when he had none. You were his playmate when no one else was. You are his constant companion. You see him unlike no one in the world sees him, including me. You’re bond is unlike any other. We always refer to you both as two parts of one whole. You made him whole Keaton. Through you he understands empathy, sympathy, and how to use his imagination. You were more therapeutic than anything else for Gavin.


You also made me a better person Keaton. You made me see that I could achieve at this mothering gig. You have always been so forgiving of my mistake. I’m an imperfect person and you have always looked past that. You are the glue that holds this entire family together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You restored my faith that God is good always and no matter what. The impact you have had on my life in only seven years is nothing short of extraordinary. Now as we start walking down another uncertain path with your brother Ollie, I have more understanding about why you are his big brother. Why he was sent to our family too.


It’s no accident that I felt inspired to have you so close in age to your brother. People thought we were crazy to have you two 18 months apart. Now I can see the bigger picture. Your life has so much meaning Keaton. You came to this family to be the ultimate example to us all. You are full of more delight than any person I’ve ever known. You are heaven here on earth and proof that God gives us exactly what we need.


Now, with all that mushy stuff out of the way I’d love to tell you what this year has been like. Firstly I have to brag about what a smarty pants you are. You started first grade this year and you think that Mrs. Powell, your teacher, hung the moon. You are top of your class in reading and in math, which is no surprise because you try so hard at everything you do. You were also the only one to get above grade level in punctuation, which I think is definitely noteworthy. You are reading chapter books now. You really like the Magic tree house books, and have the most beautiful handwriting I’ve ever seen (especially for a lefty).


You played T-Ball this year and loved it. You started gymnastics and learned to do a front flip on the trampoline which always scares the living daylights out of me. Your biggest passion is legos! You and Gavin have been taking a Lego art and engineering class this year and have loved every minute of it. You cry every time we come to pick you up. We usually have to drag you out and threaten you with not coming back to coax you into the car. You are constantly building and creating. You are obsessed with minecraft and you and Gavin share a computer desk and sit side by side playing together. Every day I get to hear the funny conversations the two of you share.


You are a sensitive kid. You notice things others don’t, and you make connections that make my jaw hit the floor at least once a week. You are fabulous at making friends. As a way to encourage you to write, your teacher allows you and your classmates to pass notes to each other. Every day I pull out a note or two from your classmates saying how much they like you and how great of a friend you are. I see what a great friend you are to Gavin. He is so lucky to have you as his best brother. Your relationship makes me miss my sister Kara. You two are a lot like we were as kids. I love to hear the things you come up with together. I love that you stay up late laughing and talking. Your relationship is beyond words. You are also such a fun brother for Ollie. He loves his “Tee-Ton”. His eyes light up when he sees you and he follows you around like a lost puppy. I wonder if you know the impact you have on people yet? You have already changed the world Keaton.


Keaton you are soft spoken and mild mannered. You are sentimental just like I am. We are both hoarders of memories. Tonight we spent an hour going through your memory box that is filled with all your baby stuff. You hate to be teased, but don’t mind dishing it out, especially to Gavin. You are the great protector when it comes to your brothers. You are so many things wrapped up into a perfect little boy. Quiet, sneaky, beautiful, peaceful, clever, silly, cuddly, sweet, and wonderful.


These seven years have been the happiest of my life. You were born and with you came so much happiness my heart swells to think of it. Your smiles help me stay afloat and your tears break my heart. I feel so lucky and grateful to be your mother, and I celebrate this every single day. I love you so much. You are one of my favorite things in the whole world. I’m so glad God gave us you, our miracle. Happy 7th birthday TT Beck.


Forever yours,
Mom

Dollar is two!

Dear Dollar,

Two years ago today you came into the world like a whirlwind and it’s been the most joyful, exhausting, fun, and fullest year of my life. How lucky was I to get the best seat in the house for watching you grow? You’re no longer my sweet soft little baby; you’re officially a little person. Physically you look like a little boy now and its heartbreaking. It’s going to be so hard for me to let go of your baby-ness, in fact it will be impossible. I’m sure you’ll be 27 year old man bringing your wife and children over and I will squeeze you in half and still call you my little baby.


This year has been a blur for me, literally and figuratively. You are constantly on the move Dollar, and it’s been hard for me to keep up with you. One minute you were this chubby faced cherub who was unsteady on his feet and the next you were full speed running from me with two cups filled with water in your hands, laughing as they splash to the floor with your movements. It’s hard for me to remember the old Dollar, the stationary one.


You are mischief and perfection all wrapped up into a 3 foot little package. You give a new definition to the phrase “Free Spirited”. Most days you are trying to give Dennis the Menace a run for his money. A few of your favorite pass times are: Playing in toilets by either clogging them with bath toys, or using the plunger to splash all the water from the toilet to the floor, Using your crayons to color on anything but paper, flooding the kitchen by pushing the water dispenser on the fridge. You’ve recently learned to scooch stools and chairs over to get things that you want, ie sharpie markers, black paint, my expensive face cream, toothpaste (seriously kid stop eating toothpaste!), cleaners, etc. Just anything that for sure baby should not be getting in to as it could be dangerous, and then you get into it and then use it for evil. At the same time your free spirit has allowed you to never hold back. You are the happiest kid I know. You try EVERYTHING! You are so adventurous and willing to try anything it seems. I love that about you. I love that you take chances. While at two they are usually idiotic and include jumping off of high places. I just know later in life that you are going to be a risk taker that makes his life something so remarkable.


Your language has exploded this year. You were our earliest talker so that’s not surprising. You had 10-15 words by 10 months. This year you went in spurts. From the time you hit a year old until you were sixteen months your language stalled. You were working on trying to walk during that time and once you learned to walk your speech followed. You say 100’s of words and communicate so well. I love the “isms” you’ve given us. For example, you call yourself “Dah-er”, which is how your pronounce Oliver. So we’ve all taken to calling you Dollar, hence the “Dear Dolllar”. Your favorite drink is “Da” which is how you say Soda and you go crazy when you see it, you even like to look at pictures of your favorite Da, Capri Suns are “A Mons”, Trains are “Gyms”, EeBee baby is “E-Baby”, Gavin is “Gah”, Shanda is “Shan’Sha”, Ruby is Ru-Ru, Mac and Cheese is “Cheese Cheese”, your favorite blanket is called “Favory”, all snacks are “Bars”, unless it’s a Brownie then it’s a cake, and fruit snacks are called Daddies, and Cars are “Carkeys”. You are speaking in 3-4 word sentences and you are by far our best talker. I didn’t think anyone could top Keaton but you’ve done it!


You are also our first real boyish boy. You are obsessed with cars and trains (Gyms). You make car noises and say “Vroom Vroom, coming through, outta my way”. You can spend an hour playing on your car and train table. You also love construction sites. If we drive pass one or see one while on a walk you get so excited to see the big cars and trucks. You love throwing and kicking and throwing balls. We also found out you are a pretty awesome gymnast. You started toddler gymnastic class and you are pretty wild and rarely pay attention. But, when you do you are fantastic at it. I think we are going to pull you out and wait until you are a little older. I think it might be something you’ll be great at though.


This has been a fun year of watching you grow and learn, watching your little personality form. You love Barney (much to my dismay) and Elmo. You have to snuggle or be around your Dad and me every second of the day. You love your big brothers, especially TT, you think he hung the moon. You two have such a special bond. I love watching you together. You have five blankets you try to drag them everywhere with you. It started as three and has grown to five. You recently learned to climb out of your crib and you’ve been getting up at 6am to wake us all up, what a treat. You’ve also learned to open the fridge and just help yourself to 25 string cheeses a day, which you don’t eat, just bite and leave. You are so adorable Ollie. Your smile fills up your whole face and your laugh is unlike anyone else’s I’ve ever heard. You make everyone laugh with your silliness. I just know you are going to grow up to have the most amazing sense of humor.


Oliver, I want you to know how important you are to our family. Without you our family would not be complete. I wouldn’t be complete. I know that I don’t always have the patience you need from me. I know I yell “NO” and get frustrated with you more often than not. Your personality is new to me; I’ve never raised such a wild spirit. I hope you will forgive me for my short comings. You are teaching me to focus on the little moments, the new achievements each day, and to be grateful for the seconds we’re given. You’re teaching me to be patience and understanding, to sweat the small stuff. You are teaching me to laugh when I want to cry, to speak softly, and love without limits. I know that God gave you to me because he knew you were everything I lacked. Everything our little family lacked and needed. In year three I promise to yell No less often, hug you more, and try to laugh off your mischief. I know one day so very soon I am going to miss you being two. I am going to miss your dimpled hands and soft features. I need to let go and just allow myself to enjoy you, potty splashing and all.


Happy second Birthday to you my little Dollar Michael! I am the luckiest and proudest mom of the most delicious, beautiful, and hilarious two-year-old in the world. Let’s make year three even more memorable than year two shall we?


I love you with all of me and more!
Mommy

The one where I lose my thyroid

Let me start at the beginning. Way back in April when I had my physical I told my doctor all about how I had chronic sinus infections and I was just getting so tired of them. She decided to go ahead and put me on antibiotic for a month and if that didn’t clear them up she’d refer me to an ENT. A month later when I went in for my follow up I got my referral and in mid June went to see an ENT. The ENT took a few samples of snot, checked my throat, cleaned out my ears, and prescribed me another month of antibiotics. He said if I came back and my sinuses were still full after the month they’d do a CT scan.

On July 13th I went in and said I still felt stuffed up so he went ahead with the CT scan. To my surprise it showed my inflamation of any kind. My sinuses were small but clean. I went back to the exam room and he started telling me that it could just be migraines. Certain types of migraines can mimic sinus infections. I told him that it didn’t make sense because I always feel like I have a sore throat too. He started examining my throat, feeling down the sides until he hit right above my collar bone. He kept having me swallow over and over again. Then he brought in another doctor from the practice to come in and feel my throat while I swallowed. They both agreed that they felt a dominate nodule on the right side of my thyroid, possibly two, and I should go in for an ultrasound and biopsy as soon as possible. He explained it could be nothing, but it could also be thyroid cancer so they wanted to get it checked out.

On July 16th (my 8th wedding anniversary) I went in for my ultrasound and biopsy. No one told me what to expect from it, so I went in thinking it would be no big deal. The ultrasound lasted about 20 minutes and the tech kept repeating that he was surprised I don’t have problems swallowing its so large. He brought a couple of photos over to the radiologist who decided it did need to be biopsied. So they came in and prepped my neck. The radiologist came in and explained he would be taking 10 samples of fluid and tissue, and that it would be uncomfortable. I was told to lay very still. Holy smokes was it painful. They numbed the surface but they couldn’t numb deep down or it was affect the results when sent to pathology. Afterwords they said I’d hear back in a couple of days and sent me on my way.

Here is a picture of my neck post biopsy. It was swollen for well over a week and I could feel it every time I swallowed.

It took an entire agonizing week to hear back on the results. We were actually waiting to hike Timpanogos cave when the doctor called. The news was good though. They didn’t find any cancer cells. He said I would need to have it biopsied every 6 months or if it changes size. He then told me that he was still waiting on the measurements of the size of the nodule (there was only one by the way) and when he got them he’d call if there was a problem, if not I shouldn’t expect to hear from him. Yay! I was so relieved! During this same time I was going through all the tests to see if my gallbladder was failing so it was hard having the thyroid issues at the same time.

Fast forward two weeks. I was on my way to the surgeons office for my pre-op appointment and to set a date for my gallbladder surgery when I get a call from my ENT. He says he has the measurements from my ultrasound of the nodule and apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I guess they kept sending him the biopsy results when he’d ask for the ultrasound results and they finally straightened it out. He took the time to read off the measurements and I was thinking “oh great they are going to want me to biopsy it more often, how crappy” and then said “So with how large it is we can’t get a biopsy to the center of the nodule. This means it could still be cancerous and I would recommend at this point we take the right side of the thyroid out”. Wow! I said Okay and asked for the details on the surgery and how the recovery was. He talked to me for a good 20 minutes and then scheduled me to come in the next day to meet with another doctor who would be doing the surgery (the doctor I had been seeing is a PA).

I was in shock for sure and went up to my surgeons office and scheduled my gallbladder surgery. Then went home and told John about what the doctor said. The next day I met with the other ENT doctor and he went over why surgery is in my best interest. I guess there are four major types of thyroid cancer. One that is more common among people who get thyroid cancer, another that makes up 15%, and two that are more rare. Some of the cells they found can be pre-cancerous to follicular thyroid cancer which is the type that makes up 15% of all cases. My age is also a factor. Usually people who are a lot older (55-75) will end up with a nodule with this particular cells. If they do its usually not a concern unless it impacts the way they swallow. The fact that there is one single nodule verses many. I guess the more you have the less likely they are to be cancerous. Lastly the size of my nodule. It is well above 2cm which makes it either a goiter or a tumor. “Either way it needs to come out within 6 months” is what he said to me. After hearing how many risk factors I have I decided to go ahead with the surgery.

How the surgery will work is they will go in and take out the right side of  my thyroid preserving my para thyroid glands (they regulate your calcium). After it is out they will leave my neck open and have the thyroid taken to pathology to be dissected. If there is anything that stands out as even the slightest bit odd they will have to take the other half of my thyroid. Then they will start looking at my lymph nodes to see if it has spread to any of those. If they cut it open and see nothing strange they will sew me up and call it good. Of course the latter is what I am hoping for. I want to try to preserve as much of my thyroid as possible.

Thyroid cancer is not a scary cancer. Its nearly 98% treatable and even if its spread to lymph nodes, those numbers don’t change. I will not die from this if it is indeed cancer. I will however have a hard time adjusting to half a thyroid, or no thyroid.  I’m already on meds for Hashimotos disease. They have upped them before the surgery trying to prevent a big drop in my T3 and T4 count after surgery. I will have to be on meds the rest of my life. I’m praying that after the surgery I can find a good balance in meds so I am not tired and sluggish. I have worked so hard to lose weight to gain it all back. Yes, very vain of me, but a concern.

My surgery is now just a little over 2 weeks away. I’m not nervous about it yet. Probably because I don’t know what to expect. I have to spend 23 hours in the hospital so they can watch my calcium levels. The parathyroid can shut down after thyroid surgery so they just have to make sure my body is regulating its calcium before I go home.  I hear its a pretty easy recovery. Just 3-4 days and I’ll be feeling okay. Here’s hoping that’s the truth unlike the promise of 2 days for my gallbladder. I think it will all go okay and I’ll be back to my old self within a week.

Family Photos Fall 2012


 

Continue reading ‘Family Photos Fall 2012′

To Gavin on his 8th Birthday

Dear Gavin,

Today marks 8 years since you entered my life and fulfilled my dream of becoming a mother. You changed my entire world, and every year you change it a little more. You were my first child, the one who taught me to follow my heart and to toss all parenting books out the window. I know each and every year when I write to you on your birthday I make some comment marveling at the fact that you have aged another year. I won’t ruin the tradition by skipping it this year. Holy Smokes you’re eight! I’m the mom of an eight year old. How on earth did this happen? It makes me realize I need to slow down and breath in your littleness more this year. I know you’ll be shedding it more and more over the next few years and I want to enjoy it while I still have a chance.

Your Dad and I were discussing how we both remember almost everything about ourselves when we were eight. It makes me realize that I need to start acting like a completely perfect parent from here on out so when you think back you’ll only remember me as wonderful. I promise to be less yelly. Just try to block out all memories before this age okay? Great! Your favorite game lately is to ask me questions about what I was like at age eight. Who my best friend was, who my teacher was, what I liked to eat, etc. I thought about all the letters of the past that I have written for you and how fun they will be to read to your kids so they can know about all the things you loved at each stage in your life. Hopefully this one will just fill in where your memories leave off.

You’re changing so much Gavin. This year your innocence has slipped away a little. You’ve learned embarrassment and shame. When you were younger you were bothered by nothing. You happily carried a pink kitty lunch bag to school with Hello Kitty socks. You used to love Disney princess and the color pink. Now that you’re deep into elementary, what with starting second grade a few weeks ago, you’ve learned whats in and whats not. Even purple and liking cats are apparently iffy when you’re a boy. Who knew? On one hand it breaks my heart that this change is occurring because I want you to love the things you love no matter what anyone has to say. I don’t want society to make you something you’re not or make you feel bad for liking something. On the other hand I’m happy to see you are learning social cues. Because of your autism it was a possibility that you would never catch on to those cues. This just means you are normalizing more and more. Don’t get me wrong you are still you. Independent, strong, and free willed. You’re just catching on and realizing there is a mold out there that people want you to fit into. Go ahead and fit into it but never lose yourself to it Gavin.

Your sense of humor is my favorite thing about you, probably because we share a similar one. Ever since you were 2 1/2 and could barely form words, you would make jokes. You’ve always been a blast to be around. You are so fun to tease and I love the practical jokes you come up with. I love that every part of your day is finding a reason to laugh. You are so sarcastic all the time and your level of understanding when it comes to sarcasm hits adult levels at some points. You are such a funny kid. The stories I have about things you’ve done and said could fill a book. My life will never be dull while you are in it Gavin. I’m so happy we get to share our humor together.

There are a million and one things I want to remember about this year. You are like a sponge, absorbing the world around you. Just this year you learned about the Titanic, wrote a song about it, and that song was stuck in my head for days. You learned to dance hiphop, fell in love with and out of love with Justin Bieber. You finally passed a level in swimming lessons, in fact you passed two! You gave up programming in favor of Minecraft. Passed the First grade and moved on to second. You learned everything about Harry houdini, the constitution, the san fransisco earth quake, what year every single state quarter was minted, and a million facts about space. You hiked to the top of Timpanogos cave and somehow were the only one out of a group of 20 people that knew the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite. You survived your first subsitute teacher, only scaring her minimally. You read through 300+ new books, and a bunch of oldies too. You decided you hated Kraft Macaroni and cheese, and broccoli, and ice cream. You decided you’d become a philanthropist when he got older and give away 85% of your wealth. You stopped saying “procept” instead of except. You even announced that you were giving it up. It was hard on me. You grew 4 inches and gained 5lbs. You discovered your love for rap music. You created your own water park and relay race. You learned to pedal your bike, and are so close to shedding your training wheels. You learned to be more conceited, adorable, smart, witty, and perfect.

I love so much about you Gavin. But most of all I love the way you love me. You have this unconditional love that leaves this ache in my heart at the end of the day. You love me when I screw up and yell. You love me when I forget to do something I’ve promised. You love me when I’m a hypocrite, a liar, and a bad example. You love me when I am the least deserving person of love in the entire world. I’m not sure what I did to deserve you. You are proof that sometimes in life we get everything we want. I hope that I have been as good of a mother to you as you’ve been a son to me.

Gavin you are as awesome as they come. I feel overwhelmed by God’s love when I think about how he trusted such a unique spirit to me. You are sheer bliss wrapped up into a little boy and I promise that I will help you grow even when I miss holding you on my lap. Here’s to another year of  discoveries, jokes, and shenanigans. I love you with all of me!

Love,

Mom

 

 

PS…You are the worlds best poser.
 

 

Back to School 2012

I can’t believe how quickly summer went by this year! It feels like the boys just got out of Kindergarten and First Grade. Now they are already in school for a month and its fall. Both boys are loving their teachers. Keaton is in first grade and has Mrs. Powell. Gavin is in Second grade and he has Miss Paul. It gets a little confusing, Miss Paul, Mrs. Powell, bit of a tongue twister :) .

Here are photos from the first day of school.

 

First Day Back to School! Aug 21, 2012!

New Mario Backpacks!

Welcome to First Grade!

Welcome to Second grade!

Keaton at his desk

Gavin at his desk

First day last year and first day this year. They have changed so much!

2011 first day, 2012 first day

All of Gavin's first days

All of Keaton's first days

Hike to Timpanogos cave July 23, 2012

We hiked Timpanogos cave as a family for the first time. Kara and the Briggs fam came with us too. The hike was a beast but the kids loved it and the cave was a blast for them. Well all the kids but Ollie. He cried the entire time we were in the cave unless he was watching auntie Kara’s home movies on her iPhone. Poor John and Jake had to carry Ollie and Joci on their backs. They were so exhausted by the end of the hike they could barely move.

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Weight Loss and the loss of my gallbladder

Like I said in the previous post when I turned 30 in January I decided there were things I wanted, no needed to accomplish this year. One of the biggest ones was my weight. I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 11 years old. I was a fat teenager because I had a sedentary lifestyle and ate way too much candy. Candy has always been my weakness. When I was 18 I decided I was tired of being fat and did REALLY unhealthy things to get thin. I managed to lose 60lbs and for the first time felt good about my weight. It was hard to maintain though. Soon I gained 15lbs back and before I got pregnant with Gavin I had gained 25lbs back. Gavin’s pregnancy left me 58lbs heavier and even though I lost all 58lbs of that, postpartum depression and eating my feelings caused me to gain it all back.

Over the past 8 years I’ve tried on and off to lose weight. I’d get in a good groove of exercising and dieting. I’d be successful in losing 20-30lbs. Then there would be some excuse to get off the diet for a day ie Christmas, my birthday, oh hey we’re eating out I don’t want to waste my money on a low calorie meal. Ya know, things like that. Once I’d cheat it would derail my entire diet. Probably once a year I’d try dieting and would end up in the dame place two months later.  It was a trend I never thought would stop. I had decided I’d just be fat my whole life and that was that.

While I was pregnant with Ollie I didn’t end up gaining any weight (which is fine when you start your pregnancy 100lbs overweight). So when he was born I lost 35lbs just like that. When I was nursing I kept losing. Eventually I was down about 40lbs and could eat what I wanted. I decided to join weight watchers which was easy to follow as a nursing mom. I lost about 5lbs or so on it. But didn’t stick to it. I stopped nursing in July 2011 and when that happened I didn’t change my eating habits. I managed to gain back all 45-50lbs plus another 10lbs.

By February of 2012 I was the fattest I had ever been in my life. I was eating way too much and sitting around even more. My lower back pain was constant. I had borderline high blood pressure and was on my way to diabetes. I had no clothes that were comfortable and spent all my time in sweats. I had family pictures taken in January and I cried when I saw how big I was. I had to edit out so much fat and I still didn’t look good. At the end of February my sister Kara and I decided we’d start dieting and if we were able to do it and lose the weight we wanted we’d plan a trip somewhere. So it began there. I set my goal to lose 30lbs by June 1st.

I started my diet on March 5, 2012. My start weight is too embarrassing to post, maybe one day I will be able to. I didn’t take an official before picture because I honestly didn’t think I’d lose weight. So instead I use the photos from our family session. Here are a couple:

I didn’t edit my fat at all in these. This is me at my heaviest.

I decided to try weight watchers again because I wanted something I could stay with and not just a fad diet. Weight watchers would allow me to eat all the things I loved, just in small portions. It would help me to make better choices and learn portion sizes. The first month was so hard. I felt like I was starving to death. My thought was if I can just make it a month it will be a habit. So I just kept keeping on. I lost 11lbs the first month. I stopped eating sugar all together and that helped it along. Even though 11lbs is a lot I still felt so overwhelmed by how much I had left to lose. In the beginning I wasn’t doing a lot of exercise. Just walking when I could.

On April 2 I went in for a physical with a new doctor who literally changed my life. I finally had the guts to talk about my weight loss issues (among 100 other problems I had put off). She addressed every issue and setup a sleep study to see if I have sleep apnea, an ENT to see if maybe my sinus infections were making me have low energy, she took a ton of blood tests too. She wanted to check me for PCOS because I had some symptoms. She checked my cholesterol and A1C levels among others. We talked about weight and she set a goal for me to lose 8lbs before I came back for a follow up in a month. She wanted me to continue eating right and start exercising 4x’s a week for at least 45 minutes. I had 90lbs to lose at that point and she was just going to see me through losing it.

By my follow up on May 1, I had lost 10lbs more. I was feeling so encouraged. My doctor found out that my thyroid was sluggish and so she started me on Thyroid meds. My other blood work came back okay though. I was not borderline diabetic like I assumed and my cholesterol was fine. She thought that was great but said it could easily change if I don’t change my habits and lose weight. She challenged me to lose 15lbs before I came back in two months and up my exercise to 5 days a week.

I started really getting into an exercise routine by June 1st. I started doing incline walking as a way to strengthen for a 15 mile hike my Dad plans every summer for our family. I really wanted to do it and not suffer while I was there. I pushed my exercise and finally by mid June it kind of clicked. I was able to jog a mile. By early July I was able to run 3 miles in a row. I could feel my body getting stronger and faster. I felt so great. I spent most of the summer on this high I have never had before. I could visibly see my weight melting away. I was losing it so quick it was so encouraging.

By my doctors visit on June 27th I had lost 44lbs total and was feeling so great. My doctor was shocked over how well I was doing. It felt great that I had her encouragement. They took more blood tests to check my thyroid levels. They had improved by a full point so that was great news. It seemed the issue all along might have been my sluggish thyroid.

My exercise was derailed by what I thought were constant side aches. They all of a sudden came on and just increased in severity. By July 9th I was sick I could barely move. The side aches were under my ribs on the right side and didn’t go away when I stopped working out. I kept thinking if I just jogged through the pain I’d be okay. I had noticed weird digestive issues over the past few months too. More and more I felt like my food wasn’t digesting. I felt like crap anytime I’d eat anything greasy. I’d get a weird pain above my right eye. I was starting to suspect gallbladder so I made a doctors appointment. On July 19th I went in and had lost 12lbs in just 3 weeks time I had been so sick. The doctor agreed that I had the prefect textbook case of gallbladder failure and sent me for an ultrasound. I went in the next day for the ultrasound and they found nothing unusual! I was discouraged because I was hoping it was my gallbladder because that was fixable. Well blood test they took to check my liver function came back high in a few areas so my doctor sent me in for a Hida scan of my gallbladder. I had that done on the 25th. Basically they inject radioactive stuff to fill up your gallbladder and take pictures while its filling. Then inject something to make it empty really quickly to see how its emptying. I was telling the tech how I hoped this wasn’t a waste of time since I had to pay $350 to have it done. He assured me that he saw something wasn’t right but he had to have the radiologist review it. Turns out my gallbladder wasn’t emptying correctly. It would fill up and sit there with bile, never releasing it to aid in my digestion of fatty foods.

For the next month I stuck with walking. My sister Kara came to town and she and her husband Jake do a lot of long distance walking. So I started doing that with them. We did 42 miles in just 5 days of her being here. It was awesome and fun! I miss her and the times we spent walking. John and I did a 15 mile walk on the provo river trail. It was just awesome! I felt like I was in such great shape even though I couldn’t jog. We did the hike too! It ended up being 22 miles of hiking and besides the last 3 miles the whole of it was a blast. It was fun bonding with my Dad and everyone. I felt bad ass for finishing the hike. The next 3 days after the hike I couldn’t move my legs but it was so worth it :) .

I had my gallbladder out on Thursday Aug 9th. By that time I was down 62.6lbs! The surgeon assured me it was just a few days of recovery and I believed him. It was painful the fist few days but by Monday I was back to regular life. I made salsa, was walking 2 miles a day. I was up to 5 1/2 miles by Wednesday. Then Friday hit and I was in excruciating pain. By Sunday I was still in pain and John made me go to the ER. They ran a CT scan and another hida scan to see if I had a bile leak. They could see fluid around my bile ducts and the Hida scan showed something along the lines of a healing bile duct. They weren’t really sure what was going on and wanted to keep me overnight. I opted to go home and follow up with my surgeon the next day. They prescribed me hardcore narcotics and I went on my merry way. My surgeon was not in the office til Friday so I just grinned and bared it. Each day I was feeling better but staying on top of the pain with Oxy and feeling nauseated. By the time Friday hit I was still nauseated and sore. The surgeon explained that when I had my gallbladder out there was a lot of gravel (the beginning of stones), 100′s of little pieces, and some of it leaked out into my bile ducts while they were taking the gallbladder out. Apparently the nurses were supposed to instruct me that I may have some pain as those pass. It takes 5-7 days for them to do so and if I feel a spike in pain not to worry unless I become jaundice or have a fever. Grrr! So had the nurses just told me what to expect I would have been fine. He told me I was nauseated from the oxy and to just stop taking it and gave me Zofran for any further nauseated days.

 So that was the saga of my gallbladder. I included that in my weight loss since it both helped my weight loss and derailed it.  After all that happened with my gallbladder I was in a funk. The narcotics made me hunger, I had insomnia, and I got really depressed. I gained a few pounds back and couldn’t exercise at all without tons of pain. I’ve been fighting all that for a month now. It doesn’t help that I’ve lost enough weight that I am hardly getting any points on weight watchers now. I’m down to just 31 and I won’t lie, its hard. Exercise used to make me feel alive and now its hard to get back into a good routine. I know my body is still healing and I have to give it time. Its just so hard!

I’m now six months into my diet and down 73lbs. I’m slowly getting into a better routine since having my gallbladder out. I am at least eating better and walking more, I have even jogged a few times. I will say its easier for me to cheat now that I’m thinner so I have to watch that. I have to be so careful not to gain weight back. I want to lose another 27lbs if I can manage. I’d be happy with 17lbs though, or even 10 really. I am keeping it small not get overwhelmed. I know the closer i get to my ideal weight the harder it is going to be to lose. I hope I made enough lifestyle changes to keep up with this. Its been an amazing journey. I have pushed myself to the ends of myself and I have a greater respect for what I am capable of. This is literally a dream come true for me. I always said if I could be granted a wish it would be that I was thin and healthy. I still have some pounds to go but even if I stopped here I’d be happy. Thanks to all my family and friends for keeping me motivated. To my awesome doctor who always encourages me and is willing to help. And especially to my kids who made me want to do this. I want to be around as long as I can and being 100lbs overweight wasn’t making it a possibility.

Now for some totals:

Total weight loss: -73lbs

Waist: -11.5 inches

Hips: -13.5 inches

arms: -3.5inches

thighs: -8 inches

bust: -7.5 inches

Pant sizes: I’m down 4 whole sizes

Here are some progress shots:

Another before Picture. I’m not exactly sure when this was taken. I think mid 2011.

Jan 27 and July 15th, down 53lbs

I didn’t take progress pictures before June apparently.  Down 34lbs in the first photo, 47.4lbs in the second photo, 53lbs in the third photos, and 68lbs in the forth.

Jan 27th and August 16th

Front and side Aug 16th

Mid August. This is a pair of Jeans I wore all the time after I had lost about 15-20lbs. They fit snug then and were uncomfortable. Now? They are Huge!


A photo Keaton graciously took of me today. Down 73lbs!

 

 

My first Garden

I turned 30 this year and set a couple of goals for myself. My first was to lose weight and get healthy. My second was to improve our yard (we have never been good at caring for our yard. Its always filled with weeds and nasty. Lastly I wanted to have my own vegetable garden. I have never ever grown vegetables before. To be honest I’ve never grown flowers either, or anything really.

The first step in the gardening process was to find a place to put the garden. Our side yard has full sun and horrible grass thanks to oddly placed sprinklers. I decided this would be a perfect place. So I started digging up the grass by hand. Let me tell you this was not an easy task. After digging up just a few feet I started having that “I don’t want to do this anymore” feeling. But it was too late. Here is some pictures of what I lovingly referred to as “The Grotegut Bare Spot”.

Day 2 of digging up Sod

After digging up all the grass, John built my boxes and we laid them down to make sure we had enough room.

I spent a whole day leveling the ground so the boxes weren't on a slope. John and I installed the boarder edging to keep grass out. Then I laid decorative mulch around the edges and between the boxes. We also put down weed block and I hand tiled the dirt in the area outside the boxes. Once Everything was level and the boxes were installed I followed the recipe for soil in the "Square Foot Gardening" book. It was 1/3 vermiculite, 1/3 peat moss, and 1/3 of compost (I used chicken poop, veggie, and cow poop based compost). I mixed the soil and filled the boxes. For the area outside of the boxes I used garden soil and compost. It wasn't as great but it grew some awesome sunflowers and pumpkins. I decided I wanted to do a salsa garden and try my hand at canning my own salsa. So I planted all things salsa!

I originally planned to sow the seeds right in the ground but found out I was planting too late to be successful with that. Next year I plan to germinate all of mine inside since those little plants are PRICEY!  On may 16th I planted everything in the boxes. 13 tomato plants, 2 cilantro, and 17 pepper plants that included Anaheim, Garden salsa, Red, yellow, Fajita, and green Bell’s, Jalapeno’s, and hot Banana peppers

This is my Garden 60 days after planting. I sowed the seeds for the sunflowers and pumpkins right into the ground. I did those about a week after i put the transplants in. They took off!

I dealt with some over water issues. I had no idea what over watering looked like so when my plants started to sag and look greenish yellow I assumed they weren’t getting enough water. Nope! Too much! So I cut back and didn’t hand water at all. Just relied on the sprinkler to do the work. The over watering stunted my peppers a lot. They didn’t grow much for the first 5 weeks. After applying magnesium to them they became healthy again. Then came the grasshoppers! Those little suckers are hard to kill. I tried so many different killers. I wanted to stay organic so I did Dio Earth, some organic killers made just for grasshoppers, and finally just sprayed the yard (not the garden box) with Sevin dust. That took care of it.

My Garden 100 days after planting. Two of my sunflowers ended up being 12 feet tall!

My sunflowers are by far my favorite thing I planted. I sowed them from seeds right in the ground. Same with my pumpkins which grew clear out into the yard. But because of overhead watering and a super hot summer I got Powdery White Mildew . I had no idea what it was at first. I thought my plants were just not getting enough water or it was just too hot. Then I went in to get my gallbladder out and my poor garden was neglected for a few weeks. When I came out to work on it I noticed the spots on my pumpkin plants and noticed one tomato plant was almost dead. I decided to trim off the dead branches and then used the same scissors to trim some weird branches off of all the other tomato plants. Thus infecting all of them :( .

My garden 100 days after planting. This is right after i found out I had powdery white mildew.

Ollie loved to hep water the garden. This particular day he snuck out of the house and turned the water on himself. He's the best :)

Ollie helping with the watering :)

My gorgeous Sunflowers!

 

After discovering the powdery white mildew I took action. I made a homemade fungicide and spent the next week treating them daily. I ended up pulling up all the pumpkin plants besides 3. Most of them had just small gourds on them that kept dying because of the mildew anyway. I wanted to try to contain it. I trimmed the infected leaves off the pumpkins plants I kept. I then pulled all the dead leaves off of all the tomato plants (well as many as I could) and treated them daily. My pepper plants were stunted but not too far gone to save. After a few days they showed improvement. I ordered more Neems Oil which is an organic fungicide. I treated everything (including our front tree, bushes, and flowers since they caught the fungus too) and they have been improving even more. They are all producing tomatoes again and so far every plant I’ve had has produced at least one vegetable. The pumpkins are improving. The mildew was preventing them from turning orange and now they are all turning orange! I’ve harvested a total of 22lbs of Tomatoes and was able to make 13 quarts plus 12 pints of homemade salsa!

 

My first Huge harvest :)


Here is a photo of my garden today, almost 120 days into growing. Everything has yellowing leaves because of the mildew but its contained for the most part. I learned so much this year and i know next year will be so much more successful. I plan to even expand my garden out so I can plant even more. Who knew gardening could be so much fun?

My three pumpkins. Perfect amount for the 3 kids we have :)

Garden box #2

Garden Box #1, all my lovely Bell Peppers!

My tall sunflowers! Unfortunately they are not doing well and are not going to give us any seeds. I'm okay with this because they were just fun to admire and watch grow!