Growing up Grotegut

Dear Keaton,

This year I want to do something a little different for your birthday letter. No worries, I’ll still get around to bragging about how smart you are, how tall you’ve gotten, and how all the girls in the first grade swoon over you. But I first want to share with you a story about how important you are to me. You were born into our family and with you came so much happiness and so much light it was actually tangible Keaton. The impact you had/have on our family could move mountains.

I’m a different mom to you than I am to your brothers. There is a reason for this. It’s not that I love your brothers any less or you any more. It’s that you were born during a hard time for our family. Gavin had just been diagnosed with autism when you weren’t even a year old. Before he was even diagnosed we knew he was delayed and spent a lot of time worrying and wondering about him. The sadness of realizing that Gavin wasn’t normal was so hard on me and your Daddy. On top of Gavin’s therapies, treatments, and our depression, we still had you, this little baby to take care of. I worried that we did you a great disservice bringing you into a family that wasn’t functioning. I was so overwhelmed and ill prepared for having two kids so close in age, especially when one of them was disabled. You were so sweet Keaton and I felt so guilty all the time and worried that I wasn’t a good enough mother for either of you. My faith in god had been shaken. It was honestly the hardest time in my life.

One evening, shortly after your first birthday, you were laying on me asleep in the rocking chair, you hadn’t been feeling well. The entire day had been so difficult for me. You had thrown up and had a fever. You were clingy all day and wanted me to carry you everywhere I went. Gavin seemed lost in his own little world even more so that day and my stomach ached wondering if he’d ever be in mine. That night I was holding you and rocking you to sleep. I remember this night so clearly. I can remember so vividly how your sweaty head felt against my chest. How you were only wearing a diaper and little socks with monkeys on them. How peaceful you were. Your breathing was so even and your little cheeks were so perfectly pink. I sat there in the dark with you laying there on me.

Out of nowhere I just felt so compelled to pray Keaton. This was odd because I had been so mad at God for so long, but in that moment I felt hopeless and I just needed guidance. So I did. I prayed long and hard until hot tears ran down my face and fell onto your soft blond head. I asked God to just send me a sign that Gavin would be okay, to send me a sign that I would survive this, that our family would. I was too weighed down by all that life had thrown at me to be the kind of mother you needed, that Gavin needed. I needed a sign that I could do this. I needed hope. I needed strength. I needed something, anything.

In that moment I looked down at you and it’s as if God whispered in my ear “Here he is. Here is your sign. Here is your strength.” It took me a few years to understand this Keaton, to understand that you were the answer to my prayer. The depth of what that means to me you will never fully grasp. You were the miracle all along. You brought life into Gavin. You were his voice when he had none. You were his playmate when no one else was. You are his constant companion. You see him unlike no one in the world sees him, including me. You’re bond is unlike any other. We always refer to you both as two parts of one whole. You made him whole Keaton. Through you he understands empathy, sympathy, and how to use his imagination. You were more therapeutic than anything else for Gavin.

You also made me a better person Keaton. You made me see that I could achieve at this mothering gig. You have always been so forgiving of my mistake. I’m an imperfect person and you have always looked past that. You are the glue that holds this entire family together and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You restored my faith that God is good always and no matter what. The impact you have had on my life in only seven years is nothing short of extraordinary. Now as we start walking down another uncertain path with your brother Ollie, I have more understanding about why you are his big brother. Why he was sent to our family too.

It’s no accident that I felt inspired to have you so close in age to your brother. People thought we were crazy to have you two 18 months apart. Now I can see the bigger picture. Your life has so much meaning Keaton. You came to this family to be the ultimate example to us all. You are full of more delight than any person I’ve ever known. You are heaven here on earth and proof that God gives us exactly what we need.

Now, with all that mushy stuff out of the way I’d love to tell you what this year has been like. Firstly I have to brag about what a smarty pants you are. You started first grade this year and you think that Mrs. Powell, your teacher, hung the moon. You are top of your class in reading and in math, which is no surprise because you try so hard at everything you do. You were also the only one to get above grade level in punctuation, which I think is definitely noteworthy. You are reading chapter books now. You really like the Magic tree house books, and have the most beautiful handwriting I’ve ever seen (especially for a lefty).

You played T-Ball this year and loved it. You started gymnastics and learned to do a front flip on the trampoline which always scares the living daylights out of me. Your biggest passion is legos! You and Gavin have been taking a Lego art and engineering class this year and have loved every minute of it. You cry every time we come to pick you up. We usually have to drag you out and threaten you with not coming back to coax you into the car. You are constantly building and creating. You are obsessed with minecraft and you and Gavin share a computer desk and sit side by side playing together. Every day I get to hear the funny conversations the two of you share.

You are a sensitive kid. You notice things others don’t, and you make connections that make my jaw hit the floor at least once a week. You are fabulous at making friends. As a way to encourage you to write, your teacher allows you and your classmates to pass notes to each other. Every day I pull out a note or two from your classmates saying how much they like you and how great of a friend you are. I see what a great friend you are to Gavin. He is so lucky to have you as his best brother. Your relationship makes me miss my sister Kara. You two are a lot like we were as kids. I love to hear the things you come up with together. I love that you stay up late laughing and talking. Your relationship is beyond words. You are also such a fun brother for Ollie. He loves his “Tee-Ton”. His eyes light up when he sees you and he follows you around like a lost puppy. I wonder if you know the impact you have on people yet? You have already changed the world Keaton.

Keaton you are soft spoken and mild mannered. You are sentimental just like I am. We are both hoarders of memories. Tonight we spent an hour going through your memory box that is filled with all your baby stuff. You hate to be teased, but don’t mind dishing it out, especially to Gavin. You are the great protector when it comes to your brothers. You are so many things wrapped up into a perfect little boy. Quiet, sneaky, beautiful, peaceful, clever, silly, cuddly, sweet, and wonderful.

These seven years have been the happiest of my life. You were born and with you came so much happiness my heart swells to think of it. Your smiles help me stay afloat and your tears break my heart. I feel so lucky and grateful to be your mother, and I celebrate this every single day. I love you so much. You are one of my favorite things in the whole world. I’m so glad God gave us you, our miracle. Happy 7th birthday TT Beck.

Forever yours,
Mom

Let me start at the beginning. Way back in April when I had my physical I told my doctor all about how I had chronic sinus infections and I was just getting so tired of them. She decided to go ahead and put me on antibiotic for a month and if that didn’t clear them up she’d refer me to an ENT. A month later when I went in for my follow up I got my referral and in mid June went to see an ENT. The ENT took a few samples of snot, checked my throat, cleaned out my ears, and prescribed me another month of antibiotics. He said if I came back and my sinuses were still full after the month they’d do a CT scan.

On July 13th I went in and said I still felt stuffed up so he went ahead with the CT scan. To my surprise it showed my inflamation of any kind. My sinuses were small but clean. I went back to the exam room and he started telling me that it could just be migraines. Certain types of migraines can mimic sinus infections. I told him that it didn’t make sense because I always feel like I have a sore throat too. He started examining my throat, feeling down the sides until he hit right above my collar bone. He kept having me swallow over and over again. Then he brought in another doctor from the practice to come in and feel my throat while I swallowed. They both agreed that they felt a dominate nodule on the right side of my thyroid, possibly two, and I should go in for an ultrasound and biopsy as soon as possible. He explained it could be nothing, but it could also be thyroid cancer so they wanted to get it checked out.

On July 16th (my 8th wedding anniversary) I went in for my ultrasound and biopsy. No one told me what to expect from it, so I went in thinking it would be no big deal. The ultrasound lasted about 20 minutes and the tech kept repeating that he was surprised I don’t have problems swallowing its so large. He brought a couple of photos over to the radiologist who decided it did need to be biopsied. So they came in and prepped my neck. The radiologist came in and explained he would be taking 10 samples of fluid and tissue, and that it would be uncomfortable. I was told to lay very still. Holy smokes was it painful. They numbed the surface but they couldn’t numb deep down or it was affect the results when sent to pathology. Afterwords they said I’d hear back in a couple of days and sent me on my way.

Here is a picture of my neck post biopsy. It was swollen for well over a week and I could feel it every time I swallowed.

It took an entire agonizing week to hear back on the results. We were actually waiting to hike Timpanogos cave when the doctor called. The news was good though. They didn’t find any cancer cells. He said I would need to have it biopsied every 6 months or if it changes size. He then told me that he was still waiting on the measurements of the size of the nodule (there was only one by the way) and when he got them he’d call if there was a problem, if not I shouldn’t expect to hear from him. Yay! I was so relieved! During this same time I was going through all the tests to see if my gallbladder was failing so it was hard having the thyroid issues at the same time.

Fast forward two weeks. I was on my way to the surgeons office for my pre-op appointment and to set a date for my gallbladder surgery when I get a call from my ENT. He says he has the measurements from my ultrasound of the nodule and apologized for taking so long to get back to me. I guess they kept sending him the biopsy results when he’d ask for the ultrasound results and they finally straightened it out. He took the time to read off the measurements and I was thinking “oh great they are going to want me to biopsy it more often, how crappy” and then said “So with how large it is we can’t get a biopsy to the center of the nodule. This means it could still be cancerous and I would recommend at this point we take the right side of the thyroid out”. Wow! I said Okay and asked for the details on the surgery and how the recovery was. He talked to me for a good 20 minutes and then scheduled me to come in the next day to meet with another doctor who would be doing the surgery (the doctor I had been seeing is a PA).

I was in shock for sure and went up to my surgeons office and scheduled my gallbladder surgery. Then went home and told John about what the doctor said. The next day I met with the other ENT doctor and he went over why surgery is in my best interest. I guess there are four major types of thyroid cancer. One that is more common among people who get thyroid cancer, another that makes up 15%, and two that are more rare. Some of the cells they found can be pre-cancerous to follicular thyroid cancer which is the type that makes up 15% of all cases. My age is also a factor. Usually people who are a lot older (55-75) will end up with a nodule with this particular cells. If they do its usually not a concern unless it impacts the way they swallow. The fact that there is one single nodule verses many. I guess the more you have the less likely they are to be cancerous. Lastly the size of my nodule. It is well above 2cm which makes it either a goiter or a tumor. “Either way it needs to come out within 6 months” is what he said to me. After hearing how many risk factors I have I decided to go ahead with the surgery.

How the surgery will work is they will go in and take out the right side of  my thyroid preserving my para thyroid glands (they regulate your calcium). After it is out they will leave my neck open and have the thyroid taken to pathology to be dissected. If there is anything that stands out as even the slightest bit odd they will have to take the other half of my thyroid. Then they will start looking at my lymph nodes to see if it has spread to any of those. If they cut it open and see nothing strange they will sew me up and call it good. Of course the latter is what I am hoping for. I want to try to preserve as much of my thyroid as possible.

Thyroid cancer is not a scary cancer. Its nearly 98% treatable and even if its spread to lymph nodes, those numbers don’t change. I will not die from this if it is indeed cancer. I will however have a hard time adjusting to half a thyroid, or no thyroid.  I’m already on meds for Hashimotos disease. They have upped them before the surgery trying to prevent a big drop in my T3 and T4 count after surgery. I will have to be on meds the rest of my life. I’m praying that after the surgery I can find a good balance in meds so I am not tired and sluggish. I have worked so hard to lose weight to gain it all back. Yes, very vain of me, but a concern.

My surgery is now just a little over 2 weeks away. I’m not nervous about it yet. Probably because I don’t know what to expect. I have to spend 23 hours in the hospital so they can watch my calcium levels. The parathyroid can shut down after thyroid surgery so they just have to make sure my body is regulating its calcium before I go home.  I hear its a pretty easy recovery. Just 3-4 days and I’ll be feeling okay. Here’s hoping that’s the truth unlike the promise of 2 days for my gallbladder. I think it will all go okay and I’ll be back to my old self within a week.

We hiked Timpanogos cave as a family for the first time. Kara and the Briggs fam came with us too. The hike was a beast but the kids loved it and the cave was a blast for them. Well all the kids but Ollie. He cried the entire time we were in the cave unless he was watching auntie Kara’s home movies on her iPhone. Poor John and Jake had to carry Ollie and Joci on their backs. They were so exhausted by the end of the hike they could barely move.